The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

“So keep the blood in your head, and your feet on the ground, today’s the day it gets tired, today’s the day we dropped out, gave up my body and bed, all for an empty hotel, wasting words on lower cases and capitals” - Brand New

It’s pretty rare that I am ever at a loss for words. I don’t know how to even begin to figure out how - and when - to fully process all the emotions I am currently feeling. As with anything with me, it’s best if I try to write it all out, and try to decode and make some sense of whatever pours out.

My second cousin contacted me this morning. We don’t talk very often, but knowing she even exists, heals a little part of Younger Me, that’s still in there somewhere. I had asked Jazmin and her sisters that I had matched with via AncestryDNA, if they knew of anyone in their family that “had possibly lost a baby, or know someone that lost an alive baby, that isn’t a baby anymore from San Salvador?”

Well, apparently, someone does know some someones. Now, I am only in the Theory stage of things, but, after traveling to San Salvador for a funeral in May, Jazmin and her older sister, Cindy, met a previously unknown uncle. This uncle believes he is also my uncle, after the girls shared my story with him - after previously meeting dead ends with their other family members. Anyway, this New Uncle shared a little tidbit with them, and he feels that he is 100% my uncle. Before I dive off the deep end with all the thoughts, I am forcing myself to keep cool until I get definitive facts in black-and-white back in the form of positive AncestryDNA (or whatever DNA kit I have to use if they’ve already used something previously?) match.

Of course I need results yesterday, after finding out all the possibilities. So I’m hoping this writing helps calm my mind in the meantime.

Anyway, back to the messages from Jazmin.

According to this New Uncle, if his theory proves to be correct, then I will have not only found my biological mother and father, but also a bunch of half siblings….AND THEY ARE ALL ALIVE.

My worst case scenarios have never prepared for THAT possibility. Obviously, I am not trying to get my hopes up or anything until I have DNA evidence, but I also appreciate being told what I'd be walking into if this does end up matching. It has been a lot to unpack. A lot to try to process in a rational way. I go from feeling every emotion possible in a matter of moments, to feeling absolutely nothing. Then back again.

The first thing I need to do, besides smoke about it, is come up with a plan. A plan of action if they are a match. A plan of action if they are not. Honestly, right now, the easier one for me is the “They Are Not” plan, because literally nothing in my life changes whatsoever. I go back to the unknown and finding comfort in the extended family I have found. A part of me wishes this will be the case. A part of me has absolutely no idea how to have a biological mother and/or father and kinda want to keep it that way; it’s been nearly 35 years since my adoption.

The scary scenario is to think of matching. It literally makes my stomach turn just at the thought. I’m not sure why; this isn’t the reaction I’d ever expect to find this kind of news could be a possibility, and yet, here we are. If you would’ve told 9-Year-Old Ashley that she could possibly have both biological parents alive and half siblings on both sides, I probably would’ve died from excitement. I never needed a mysterious Grandma to show up and tell me I’m a princess - my own Grandma made sure to let me know I was already one, haha - of a foreign country, I just wanted a big brother and sister. And after 1997, three older brothers that were musically inclined would’ve been preferred, but I’d still take a sister any day. As previously mentioned, I had even tried to bargain with my mom into adopting another girl (maybe China) so I’d have a sister.

I adopted many people over the years as my siblings, and I love them for that and being such important figures in my life. I know first-hand that family is who chooses to show up for you, love you when it’s hard, and support you loudly. That even if I’m related to someone by blood it absolutely doesn’t guarantee their love, support, or even respect. So, if I do find a match, what do I do with that information?

And I mean that just in general, not even necessarily with these people. Like I told Kendra and Kota, this all feels like I’m reading about random people on the internet. I’m low-key emotionally invested for some reason, but I don’t actually know anyone. Hahaha. Even still, I have no idea what I’d do with a match. It’s not like I’d move to El Salvador. It’s not like I’d be able to go there? I mean, obviously I can apply for a passport and buy plane tickets and make hotel arrangements. But who’d I go with? Matt is hesitant just because he is clearly a white American male. I mean, I clearly have the right skin tone to blend in but once I open my mouth it’s obvious as fuck that I’ve been raised as a white American. My entire appearance gives it away probably more-so than Matt even. LMAO. Anyway. I’d have to ask Jazmin and her sister Cindy, but even then I really don’t want to travel alone to a foreign country with people that I don’t really know. So I’d have to find someone to go with me. And it’d be an entire other logistical variable to add in.

Do you think if I got a match, I could convince them to come to America? I mean, I wouldn’t come to America if I weren’t already here, but that’s not really the point I suppose, it’s not like I’m asking them to stay with me.

Eh, you know, actually, it’d probably be best if I just figured out a way to go there and ruin their lives and then come back home.

And if I have a match, what do I even want to do with that information? Like. Just try to be friends now? Text them? Do I have to actually, really, learn Spanish? How invested do I really wanna be? And what if they don’t even want a relationship? I mean, I was left for a reason, right? Do I just go there and see them, and feel weird, and try to ask trivial questions, and just like, dip out? Go sightseeing and then leave a few days later, to never see them again until someone dies or something? I’m not sure. What do I even ask them? Here’s some questions I’d ask, probably:

• “Sooo, how’s life without having my weird ass in it?”

• “Can you speak English for me please? Honestly, having all of you guys learn it will probably take less time than having me try it. Again. For the how many-ith time?”

• “Do y’all read Harry Potter? Do you know what that is? How nerdy is everyone? I’ll just say words until I get a response… Avengers. Star Wars. Game of Thrones?”

• “What kind of music do you like that isn’t like, totally in Spanish? Do you like anyone I actually know? Anyone know who Hanson is? Any Swifties in the house?”

• “What do you do all day living in a country that isn’t America’s weird shit?”

• “Do you think it’d take you 10 or 11 minutes to run across this tiny frickin country?”

• “Um, huh? What did you say?”

• “Where am I?”

• “What’s your name again? Huh? Can you maybe spell that?”

• “How are we related again? Who are you to me? I’m not sure who I’m related to.”

• “Where’s the orphanage I was at? Is that still a thing they do here?”

• “Does anyone wanna smoke some weed? I don’t have any cause I’m not trying to go to prison while I’m here but I definitely need someone to smoke their shit with me.”

• “What’s your favorite movie? No, a movie that I know.”

• “Are we allowed to be friends on Facebook? I’ll Love your pictures but I literally will never talk to you again after this expensive, insane, and psychotic encounter.”

• “Can you tell me how to get back to the airport as fast as possible?”

Yeah, I’m gonna have to really talk this through with Brianna if I get a match. Yikes. LOL. At least I’ve told her what I know already. My mom knows and doesn't care because she's got her own shit going on and told me as much but of course refuses to open up to me. I told my grandma but wouldn't necessarily say she knows right now. The kids do, to some extent. Matt obviously knows.

Kendra and Kota know too, and I’ve been extremely grateful for both of them in this. Kendra immediately made sure I’m okay, how I’m processing and dealing with it, and has been a huge support. She has made it known that no matter what shapes up, that I’ve always got her in all of it and that means so much to me, because it’s a scary ride and knowing that I’ll always have a cheerleader, someone I can look at and go “AHHHHH WTF!!!” and she will laugh and steer me in a better direction, and will always do what she can to make sure that I and my family are safe and taken care of. Kota has been a big support as well, asking questions that my brain hasn’t even begun to ask that I needed to know. She has been defensive of me and my feelings in this and I really appreciate it because I do tend to just want to be accepted, and I will make myself miserable to do what I think is expected - and I know Kota won’t let me do that. She will remind me to put myself first in all of this and I definitely need that.

So, hopefully I’ll be out of the Theory stage sooner rather than later, but no matter how much time passes between now and then, it probably won’t be enough to begin to process the answers. Regardless of what happens, I would like to see El Salvador some day before I die. But I’d rather share it with Matt and Jazmin so we will see what ever comes of that. Even if I never go back, I think I’ll be okay. My wanderlust heart will always want to wander and look for the next great adventure. And I have my biological family to thank for that; because without whatever happened, happening, I wouldn’t have the incredible life I do have. Who knows, maybe I’ll get the passport and we will go somewhere else instead, and leave El Salvador to be the weird, disconnected, enigma of an origin story that it’s always been. There’s plenty of time to overthink it.